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Friday, July 10th, 2009
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3:06 pm - poetic/ bring me
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Bring me,
this starry-eyed wondering wanderer,
to places abstract and wondrous,
where my mind can wander,
among the stars.
Bring me,
this lone soul,
born new into the world,
making every possible mistake,
to peace.
Bring me,
this home-bound nester,
dreaming of worlds to come,
hoping within his heart
for a Final Fantasy.
Bring me,
this loving and kind caretaker,
nourisher of beautiful grace,
kind words and gentle smiles,
remembering life.
Bring me,
love,
to your arms,
where I may lie,
still.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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8:03 pm - astrology/ freewill
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CANCER (June 21-July 22): I believe that when you chatter carelessly
about a big change that's in the works, you're in danger of draining it of
some of its potency. So I don't want to trumpet or gossip about the gift
that's on its way to you. I'll just mention that it's coming, and urge you to
prepare a clean, well-lit place for it to land. Here's a hint: It could, among
other things, help you convert one of your vulnerabilities into a strength
or inspire you to start transforming an area of ignorance into a future
source of brilliance.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): How well are you capitalizing on this year's
unique opportunities, Scorpio? Since we're midway through 2009, let's
take an inventory. I hope that by now you have at least begun building
the power spot or energy source that will serve as your foundation for
the coming years. So much the better if it's more than halfway finished
and will be ready for full use by the end of summer or early fall.
Remember my promises: Life has been and will continue to be conspiring
to get you settled in your ideal home base, supercharge your relationships
with your closest allies, and connect you with the resources that will fuel
your long-term quest.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): "May you live in interesting times." That old
toast is actually a droll curse meant to be heaped upon an enemy.
"Interesting" implies rapid change, rampant uncertainty, and constant
adjustment. What's preferable is to live during a boring era when stability
reigns. Or so the argument goes. But I reject that line of thought. I
celebrate the fact that we're embroiled in interesting times. I proclaim our
struggles to navigate the sharp turns and uphill climbs to be a jubilee of
the first degree. What fantastic luck it is to be on the planet when
everything mutates! May we be up to the task of bringing heaven down to
earth. May we be worthy of the trust the universe is placing in us. Now
get out there, Pisces, and enjoy the hell out of the epic and entertaining
drama we're stewarding. This is your time to be a leader and a luminary.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I don't care what you feel this week, as
long as you don't feel nothing. Get inflamed with hunger or justice or
sadness or beauty or love, but don't submit to apathy. Don't let yourself
be shunted into numbness. You can't afford to be cut off from the source
of your secret self, even if it means having to feel like hell for a while. And
the odd thing is that if you're willing to go through hell, you won't have to
go through hell. So to hell with your poker face and neutrality and
dispassionate stance. Be a wild thing, not a mild thing.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I wouldn't get too agitated about the supposed
"writing on the wall" if I were you. The handwriting is not God's, for God's
sake. It's not even that of a wise elder or young genius. So don't attribute
too much authority to it, please. It's just the opinion of someone who
doesn't know any more about the ultimate truth than you do. So I
suggest you cover it up with black spray paint and then carefully inscribe
your own version of the writing on the wall. Reality is especially malleable
right now, so the most forcefully expressed prophecy will probably come
true.
--
As for the flood...
I am a Cancer by the Sun, with Uranus at the heart of Scorpio. Pisces is at midheaven -- so why not look at all the water signs at once? They were all striking this week,
Capricorn opposes Cancer.
Gemini is akin where I have Mercury in Leo, and Gemini rising.
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| Monday, July 6th, 2009
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8:31 pm - update/ dinner
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Tonight's dinner was brought to you, in part, by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lacombe, proudly serving half-baked yet fully-cooked (and yummy!) dishes since 1931. I remember it like it was yesterday. Picture it, Sicily, 1931. It was a gentler time. I said to my wife, Barbara--oh, wait, sorry, I lapsed into... never mind.
So, I made the following ingredients into a mixture:
One herbally-infused de-condensed cream of mushroom soup mix, made with a little bit of sesame seed, minced onion, parsley, oregano, mild shake of italian herb mix, cracked black pepper...
One half-pound of vermicelli.
All it was missing was shredded cooked chicken.
current music: Melissa Etheridge f. Jewel - Baby, You Can Sleep While I Drive
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| Thursday, July 2nd, 2009
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3:38 am - update/ this is what's screaming in the woods lately; the more you know...
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| Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
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10:56 pm - dailyom/ steady in the storm, stability in motion
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Steady In The Storm
Leo Daily Horoscope
You may feel strongly compelled to reach out to people who are in pain today. Or you may find that the people you care about solicit your help, advice, or support frequently throughout the day. As you console and comfort these friends and family members looking for a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, you may be surprised to discover that you feel more confident. The reassurance you offer others can have a profound impact on you today because you will likely draw courage from the same soothing words you repeat. This can be the perfect time to help a loved one cope with a difficult situation by guiding them through to the other side.
We can serve as a pillar of strength our loved ones can depend upon in troubled times because we understand how the transient nature of emotions can affect our judgment and perception. And when we are in pain, we can help the people we care about cope with their changing feelings by listening to their concerns and reassuring them that everything will be all right. As we console others, our tempestuous emotions return to a state of equilibrium, and we feel better for having provided others with comfort. Our overtures will not always be greeted with gratitude or grace, but we can rest assured that our efforts are making a difference in the hearts and minds of our loved ones. As you indulge your desire to offer others consolation today, you will find that your own ache is soothed.
--
I decided, this month, against the idea of asking for an oracle. I wondered if life could just guide me to the things I have most needed.
Today, Jehovah witnessed me through two women; and I was an act of Jehovah witnessing these two women. We are all acts of Jehovah, witnessing each other and the existence of creation that has been provided to witness.
Once upon a time, I received a very terse oracular response: "stability in motion". I feel that, when I read this horoscope for today, I had already lived it out through today, and that this is the essence of what it means to be a certainty within the unknown state, and that this certainty carries with it a powerful aura of rationality and logic.
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| Friday, June 19th, 2009
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6:13 pm - poetic/ on being with [kwan yin]
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Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Cry and the world cries with you.
Be in pain, and the universe is in pain with you.
Heal, and the universe heals with you.
Love, and the world loves with you,
End, and the world ends with you.
Begin, and the world begins with you,
finish, and the world finishes with you.
Create, and the world creates with you,
complete, and the world completes with you.
Worship, and the world worships with you,
do not worship, and world does not worship without you.
[Kwan Yin] is, and the [Primal Yang] is.
She is with you, and you are with her.
She is all that surrounds, and you are just a man.
We are all a part of a great integrity,
between darkness and light, negation and position.
What you are, you are with [Quan Yin],
who you are, you are with [Guan Yin],
when you are, you are with [Kuan Yin],
where you are, you are with [Kwan Yin].
How you are, you are with [Kwan Yin],
for she sees you and is always with you.
Suffer, and [Kwan Yin] suffers with you.
Rejoice, and [Kwan Yin] rejoices with you.
Why you are,
you are,
...with [Kwan Yin].
And that is how it is.
You are with [Kwan Yin].
That is what "all that ever was", and
"all that will ever be" will be.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 18th, 2009
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2:06 am - poetic/ my gift from and to Apollon
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Apollon,
Thank you for today.
You have given me your greatest gift:
Truth.
Without you to honor,
I could not have sent an arrow of truth
in the direction it was most needed.
Without moderation,
I would have let my emotions cloud my vision
hindering my ability to be fair in my judgement.
Without knowing myself,
I could not have shown the empathy I did
thinking about how my words would be received.
You gave me the greatest gift, today.
A hint of healing,
after all the plagues we have been through,
cleansing, scouring fires of Sagittarius,
your arrows not bring plague but purification,
as I like to call it, a "truth bomb".
Delivered as necessary,
severity in the face of negative energy,
the only weapon of positive in this world,
truth meted with critique,
room for improvement.
I had nothing to fear from using the truth.
It has been far too long
since I have really
"spoken my truth",
as the Eternal have spoken.
I was appreciated for it,
for opening his eyes to your light,
bright Helios who watches all,
who knows that I have worked
to earn my bread these past days,
who sees the effort I have put in
to ensure balance in the world around me.
I never asked for this station,
but I know you have a hand in it,
and you hold my hand.
I thank you for your graces today,
having measured my words carefully,
avoiding the condensed venom within,
seeing the greater picture as a web,
knowing that factors are at work
greater than I.
I honor you,
the power of Truth,
the Light of Reason.
Thank you,
Apollon, the Far-Seer;
I shall sing to you another day.
current music: Dido - Here With Me
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
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2:16 am - update/ lynx-kitten caught another field mouse from the litter and I kept it; am I cruel or unusual?
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Dear Mouse. Actually, you're a Field Mouse, Rev corrected me on that.
Now that I have caught you, I have decided that I had the time enough to clean out the small plastic enclosure where the Spring Peeper was caught and maintained for a few days. I am sorry about any karmic energy, I hoped the shower would be good enough for the a rough clean with hot water, with a paper towel to finish off.
I even put cat litter in the base, and chopped up a toilet paper roll (affectionately, a "roo-too-tooOOOooo" or "rututuu") -- first for a cave, then another with a rescue mission care package of shredded paper towel that I'd hoped you'd consider for warmth. But NOOOoooOOO, you have to totally ignore it and look like a cold, sorry mouse trying to win my sympathy.
But the best part is now that I have caught you, I have the option to torment you as a test experiment for cruel and unusual survival skills, or at least until I release you -- hopefully you'll be okay for that, unless the cat also finds your sibling, in which case, I'm sure you'll think it's awesome to have company. I hope you'll get your friend acclimatized better than you're coping. Man, you haven't touched the water or even that piece of cake that didn't rise earlier in there. Do you know something I don't?
Well, that's the point. Now that I have you, I'm going to talk to you. I'm going to chant at you, talk at you, annoy you, prod you with things, force you to re-think combat techniques and alternative forms and styles of attack stance, and so forth. I'm going to pretend you're pretty damn smart, and you're like me, not quite "Year of the Rat" material, but you'll do. I'm curious as to what you have in mind when you see me -- and with a friend. What's it like to witness me? Through two sets of eyes? Man, hope I don't feel judged or anything.
So, now that I've put "the smelly thing on fire" in your space, I've put you in a "survive or cope" situation. Your first trial is being punctuated by Jeremy Soule's bonus composition from Icewind Dale; I know not the game, but the music carried the strong punctuarive qualities he was embraced for when he produced the music for Total Annihilation, a little-known highly-customizable real-time strategy game released by Cavedog Entertainment, later absorbed by another company until it was oblivionized. The game was supremely awesome, using mobile Commander builder units, and worked on the premise of nano-lathing technologies, and a war between two sentient robot races; an imperial center faction known as "Core", and a rebellious strike faction known as "Arm".
So, you've tried digging in the corner you haven't left, jumping, huddling really hard, and looking pathetically at me as though you think I'm psychic or something. I said cope. Cope better. The flame is dying out. It's a limited duration event in front of you. I know, the worst part is probably that horrendous smell that comes from it. I bet it's really annoying now that the smoke is clearing out.
So, what's the plan, buddy? Now you're gonna just look like a fool. Okay, you've established there's clear plastic at the bottom of the world here. Good job, bro. What's next? That big moving thing out there that mumbles things and said "vibratto" earlier while you were hanging limply yet engagedly on the pipe cleaner that was swinging about? Yeah, what about it? What're you doing for yourself right now? Okay, time to prod you into breathing and inhaling some of the cleared air. Ready for your exercise regimen? Okay, I'm going to prod you with the baneful smelly thing now.
"OW! NOT IN THE FACE! Not in the face! Not in the face, please. Ow. Please? Please? Damn it. Drat you. Stop it. Quit chasing me. Ow! I said NOT in the face! NOT in the FACE, PLEASE!" Okay, I'll get something with better reach, and less risk of you getting a good jump out -- but still able to poke you into exercising. I'm going to make you appreciate a drink of water. When I was in basic training, we didn't eat for three weeks, and that was just because supplies had run out -- then we had to start hunting for food with our survival instincts. Look at you, thinking you were all confident and cocky before. I bet if you start making some noise, your other friend just might come out of the woodwork -- I heard him squeaking after you earlier. Calling in reinforcements, Brain?
Now that you're sopping wet, what am I supposed to do? It's not my fault you fell into the water 12, 13 times. You should aim a little better with your wild leet jumping skills next time -- you nearly netted yourself a cold. Thank the Gods I was here to protect you and reduce that to probably a chill. Thanks to my quick thinking, I managed to warm you up with the blow-dryer. I'm sure you didn't mind it when the wind suddenly shifted off of a downdraft to a facedraft. When you finally saw that towel fly through the air, I thought you'd surely bolt. Instead, you let it just soar around, probably too tired to care, until it landed in your water dish half-way -- and the rest out next to that piece of cake I left you. Come on, dude, I know you eat and drink. So, after "that loud thing with the heat", I hope you can at least preen a little nicer. Want me to give you a second time?
Now, after the Great Second Coming of the Blow Dryer I hope you tell your friend about, let it be known that there was Yet Another Great Poking Of The Stick, accompanied with appropriately stifled giggles as I inappropriately poked at your butt, each time. Man, that first time, you jumped the highest. You totally did not expect that, even though you have way better all-around vision than me. So, I don't want to hear it. You saw that stick, you could expect it to poke your butt. And it did. Don't look shocked, nor offended. I don't want to hear it.
Meanwhile, once you scurried into the liffle cave, you were content to leave most of your tail hanging "out the mouse hole" as it were, and I thought that wasn't quite smart. What if I'd found some sort of sudden blade that could sever that little 1-hit point branch of your being off? That would hurt like a pisser, and you'd be going "well, I was leaving it out there to see what it would feel and sense". What, like that's not attracting predators in your own world? Sure, you balance with it, but only a little, it seems -- you don't actually use it for poise. You suck, mouse. You hear that? You suck.
I flicked your tail repeatedly, just for fun, back and forth, with the pendulum swing of the stick, and you were content to be thwacked with some sort of resonant vibrations in that moment, whose pure intentions were to see how annoyed you might get until you actually withdrew your tail to inconvenient distance for flicking. Then I just sent the poker over the other end. "NOT IN THE FACE!!!"
But you turned back around and found the half-paper towel greeting you at mouth and claw level, sopped with water after about 5-10 minutes, and the cake is staring right at you. If your sense of smell doesn't know what the frig that is, you're stupid, mouse -- real stupid. I mean, you practically have used that thing for terrain for a while before. I'm SURE you noticed the smell and went, "oh, yeah, hm, this is edible". So, I don't want to hear it.
No more of this playing dumb shit. You're capable of acting smarter than this. If you saw that I warmed up the towel area specifically, you might have even considered, I don't know, burrowing in them, or something? When mighty wind is upon you, after great drops into the tidal pool, great pokings of the holy stick of order, and you are tired from all the prodding -- why do you not just think "hey, maybe I could hide under there?" But NooOOOooo, you want to just stay out in the open, try to jump around, go wild, go ape, charge, run, whatever else... you don't think "hey, maybe if I hide from the big pokey thing it could possibly leave me alone. if I don't bother IT, maybe IT won't bother *ME*?"
Friggin' mouse. You know what the worst thing is, is that I could have trained your brother or sister, whatever it was, and whatever you are for that matter -- and he could be giving you lessons right now and making you feel less alone. Instead, I have to keep remembering that you didn't get all the combat lessons I gave your other friend. Man, I think he was, like, level 3 before I sent him out. He was at least a little more clever. Instead of being absolutely no fight for a hawk, maybe he was a mild almost nuisance-like meal for a hawk. And that could mean everything. That could make all the difference. I took that road. What'cha gonna do now, mouse, huh?
Well, then, I'm just going to have to give you a couple of secondary puffs of this other smoke over here. Man, earlier, I poked you, like, 3 times with that scratchy stick, and you totally did not even register it as threat. You shouldn't be so lax, but, yeah, man, I know the deal. You should come out and be a part of the world tomorrow with me. See what things are. Maybe witness some sun -- you know, that thing you probably can't remember, having been living inside the fiberglass, plasterboard, and wooden walls of our home. I hope the kitten has a chance at your brother/sister tonight. I don't care which of you is which at this point. I just want your whole freaking litter to be done, caught, and out of here. Or trapped in my care. You just wait. I'll start watching and observing you. Then who's watching who now?
Yeah, I'm frigging "Year of the Rat" -- deal with it. I learn more observing you than you do observing me. I'm complex and a puzzle to you. Your motives are SO transparent. The cat is more sly than you, but her motives are damn transparent, too. If I'm not careful, that cat I allowed to smell you at the top of the cage -- to which you finally appropriately recoiled from -- will tip you over, set you free, confuse the hell out of you, and knowing the area better than you, have you for lunch. You'll be taken for a lot worse of a spin if you get caught by her a second time. I might just lock you two in a cage -- wait, no, a terrarium -- and watch her screw with you, just for training's sake. Put you and your friend, bet I'd really confuse the kitten. Great exercise fun for the full family!
Well, Namaste, Mouse.
It's nice to meet you.
I hope you like the destiny that comes to you, whatever that may be -- even I don't foresee it yet, and I hope it is interesting, to say the least.
Namaste,
Vibratto.
You are a MOUSE. A MOUSE. MooOOOooouuUUuuse. ...a MOUSE. You. Mouse. Small rodent. Mouse. A small mouse. A small, probably annoyed, mostly irritated mouse. A fairly frazzled and somewhat exhaussted but more irked at the weird circumstance life has given him... mouse. You are a MOUSE.
I bow to you.
We're all basically the same type of beings... just different.
current music: Jeremy Soule - 26 Peace of Akatosh
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 31st, 2009
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9:38 pm - musing/ i want (scorpio: i want/desire)
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I want.
...to be an object of beauty for someone, to someone.
...to be appreciated for all I have the potential to be.
...to be embraced for all that I can not achieve.
...to be with someone along the road of life.
...to have someone alongside me sharing in my pride in myself.
...to have my hand held when I am not certain.
...to be shown the way when I do not know it.
...to be compassionately aided when I am having a hard time.
...to have a life of peace and tranquility.
...to accomplish something great in anonymity.
...to be unknown yet contribute to the world's happiness.
...to know how my small kindnesses ripple out into the world.
...to believe in the effect that I have on people is good.
...to trust in my own self.
These are a few thoughts of the moment.
current music: Diablo II - Tristram
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
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4:02 am - poetic/ Bard Poetic ("A Bard's Song")
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Bard Poetic
Pledge me a dollar now,
two if you think you'll like it,
or three if you think it a worthy cause.
Then see for yourself,
do you really like it,
and if you do...
Promise me four dollars then,
making five in total, or five,
or six if you think, or
seven to make ten.
I'll track your support,
and promise you again,
I'll come back here soon,
on my way by here again.
By the god of travels,
might I promise this to thee,
and hope that I might be able
to stay here for free.
By no magics will I
bind you to me,
but instead may we be,
beyond payment of gold,
a meal, a drink, and
granted a warm bed to sleep.
I leave you here with this song,
for you to decide,
let me know some time soon,
I won't ask for a long time.
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3:54 am - poetic/ Of yin and yang
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Of yin and yang,
yang and yang
are when brothers meet
yin and yin
are when sisters meet
yang and yin
form a pairing, a maithuna
two pairs of
yang and yin
spiral off into eternity.
current music: Someday the Dream Will End
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 24th, 2009
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7:52 pm
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After much deliberation, these decks came to pass the trials.
Jacques:
Red-Green
Blue Stasis
White Basic
Big Green
Russ:
Five Color
Blue Flying/Platinum Angel
Josh's Black-Artifact
Red Armillary Sphere
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 22nd, 2009
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2:16 am - update/ what i choose to do, is my life. what i choose to attend to, is my experience.
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By the end of my life, I want my heart to be lightened.
I want to carry no burdens with me beyond this.
When weighed against the feather of Ma'at,
I wish my heart to be as light as or lighter than.
Today and yesterday have sort of reminded me of the challenges in my life. The moments of powerlessness that I think we all experience.
On Tuesday, my car's engine overheated sincerely, dying before I could get home. I limped home from about 10 miles away, with 2 more stops. The car is being considered a loss. The radiator isn't going to retain anything in it for too long.
Wednesday, we confirmed this. I didn't make it up to the college campus at all. The car, instead, proved to be a fruitless endeavor. When Gandhi, I think, translated the Bhagavad Gita, I believe he referenced that the root of suffering was the desire for fruit. If the fruit is desired, then suffering ensues unless or until a condition is met. This activity was fruitless. The desire was unfulfilled. There was suffering, mostly inward.
Today, I got to campus proper. I barely have made it in, during the week, to just get there for 1:30, when the afternoon class was slated to begin. I finally caught the professor (chair of the biology department), who informed me that officially, his class was already 2 over full. If I wanted to consider coming in for the 8 AM lecture... or the 11 AM lecture [with the professor that I withdrew from the course due to]... Yeah, no. He said "what about the second session class? I think that's late afternoon, isn't it?" No, and when he went to double-check, he confirmed "no, it's also 8 AM." Yeah, no.
So, I'm not going to do summer session classes.
I'm not going to get federal aid for work-study, grants, or loans for summer session class.
I'm going to have to get a waiver to take Kinesiology without Human Anatomy in the fall.
Or I'm going to have to take them concurrently, even though Human Anatomy is first in sequence.
Or I'm going to just take Human Anatomy, and Kinesiology might be Fall '10, at this rate.
I'm not going to have the '92 Toyota Corolla for too much longer. The parts need to go somewhere. We have a $20 fuel filter we don't need to replace now, that we can get a refund on. Maybe we can re-sell the four fairly-fresh tires from only about 3 months ago. Rev said that the car, in this condition, might be lucky to fetch $200. It can probably make one more good trip, limping to wherever it needs to go. I want to see it at least fetch $300... Those recent tires were about $200 alone.
Rev has 2 Ford Probes (both '93 or '94 or '95, I think) that have been in back-up. One is nearly ready to be inspected, and just needs a new lamp. The other one needs its fuel tank dropped to replace the fuel pump (which we have), a suspension link replaced (which we have), the alternator replaced (which we have), and two replacement back tires (which we don't have). He already swapped the insurance company's coverage to the red Probe (the one that can drive) -- and we can probably inspect it this week upcoming. With some effort, we might end up fixing the black Probe (the one that needs the most work) this weekend, but it's going to also need tires and inspection. Oh, and the red one still needs its paint cleaned (it's half-primered, half-red) up, and some work done on its door hinges-locks-handles.
It's the feeling of powerlessness to travel that really weighs in on me. Years ago, lacombe told me I needed "my wings" -- that ability to come and go as I pleased, when the urge struck, or just to have the potential to do so. Now, I realize that when there isn't that freedom readily in front of me, it's just discomforting. Because I can't, I want it 'more'. I can't freely go anywhere, so I want to just freely go somewhere. It makes me think "I can't go" and the alternately polarizing thought is "I -want- to go, and I -need- to go". The urge to wander is so strong in me, even if I'm not going anywhere.
But I've also been thinking about what my life has been like up to this point. I don't know how realistic it is to live the life I'm living. There are worse ones out there, but there are better ones, too. Maybe not -totally- better, but at least in a more advantaged position. I don't have advantage on the reality around me. No combat advantage, no +2 to hit.
When I was in my teens, I always said that I should be 26. It's looking like I won't be settled until that age, at minimum. Until then, they say there's a line between "living" and "surviving" -- I think I'm still in that survival mode -- it's all I can do each 'morning' to just get up and find something constructive to do with my day, each day.
I always thought maybe, one day, I'd be partnered with someone, while in the prime of my youth -- you know, the past 6 years, between 18-24 -- and I'd be experiencing things like having someone to take showers with, get laid, make pillow talk, watch anime, play computer games, collaborate on something, share meaning with, find joy in moments with. I think, maybe, I somewhere inside knew that I wasn't going to get that in my life. I have had moments which made me think "this could be possible, if only my life were just a little differently laid out". There are so many potentials that I cannot explore. I could not lead someone in to me, and then leave them in the cold the way I do -- because I recoil back inside, and wish that I had someone to talk to who understands that I do have my fears, and just listens to me talk through them, or even helps me face them.
I think it's going to still be a while before I get a real chance to show the world who I am. And, I think that it's not as much about "showing the world" as it is going to be "proving to myself". I already know that I'm a tortoise -- I may take more time than others to get there, but I at least plod along and make progress in bits and pieces. I am not trying to 'force' my life to happen faster than it is -- nor could it happen any faster, or at this point, any differently.
I am who I am today because of how my past brought me up. I have an immense pride in what I've cultivated in mind, but without anyone to listen, to understand, or to connect... I'm sort of withering away internally. It's going to be a while before the right flame comes along to re-ignite that energy within me. It's not that I'm jaded or even disenchanted -- I think my 'better Self' is more dormant and latent, rather. It's there, and I know the grace that is within me -- but I also know that it is not at home turned inward. I want to be able to share my grace -- my peace, my calm, my belief in gentleness -- with others, and have them simply bask and benefit from just the aura of warm beauty I wish to create.
The things I know won't get me a job in most places in this modern world. Astrology is a fairly lost art, with few believers, and less who understand it. Most other mysticism I've studied is an amalgam of a dozen belief systems, and thusly only works for me, is only explainable or understandable by me, and is subjectively experienced through me. Discourses on metaphysics, quantum physics, and the such are lost on most people, too. Role-playing games are a niche field that has lost out a majority of its would-be gamers to the genre of computer gaming across the Internet; and while Wizards of the Coast retains their imperial grasp on their protected terms that cannot be redefined and a system that is unbearably difficult to create classes for (not to mention the rush to release 4E resulted in disbalances, regardless). As for sexual knowledge, an encyclopedia of narrow-focus fetish information isn't going to land me a job in the market, either. Dance isn't something that people are used to, nor are they trained to even understand it; most people who hear it think "theatre" as in musical theatre on Broadway, followed by the secondary thought of "New York City" as a place to go to make a name for myself.
It still occurs to me that maybe I am living a life that is demi-autistic. Perhaps Asperger's syndrome, but really, I haven't got a clue. I just seem to be undiagnosable as it is. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me except for a disrupted childhood, and it's all just stemmed off from that. Either way, I have these very narrow fields of focus where I am intensely concentrated, and if I knew how to apply myself -right-, I would be successful. I still lack true social skills, but I think that my learnings have made me "socially acceptable" -- and in mixed upper-middle class company, I think I can banter reasonably well, as well as have a conversation about the arts, as any "well-rounded" college student might be able to reasonably do. And, I have one more thing going for me: passion. I have an intense passion for these things. When I want to explain them, when I think someone wants to listen, I can translate it in passion, as well as verbosely and intelligently.
For all I have going for me, I'm still pretty inept.
I love who I am, though. I think that I am a rare and beautiful flower, not yet fully blossomed. I think that the petals have shut inward to ward off the frost. I am proud of many things I have done. I am content with a lot of my experiences. I am glad to have explored somewhere outside of my original boundaries, to a place I never thought I would go.
I regret not having called Dante, to invite him to the Student Choreography Showcase. I regret not having attended Olase's class two or three of those Mondays this semester past. I regret not living up to the potential that every teacher since first grade has seen and known I have had, but have simply not fully lived up to.
I don't know if I'm ready for people to start looking to me as an authority on things, but sometimes that's exactly who I want to be. And, sometimes, I want to be exactly not that person everyone goes to for help -- and I want space away from others, pressures, responsibilities, and obligations.
I want to come back to myself, by the end of the day. I want to see my space, be in it, feel myself, take a warm shower, have a warm meal, sleep in a warm bed, maybe have a warm partner.
I want to live myself light-hearted by the time it's all over.
I can't take it all so seriously or keep distorting my perspective.
I wish I had someone by my side that would make it feel less alone.
But I still believe in being a free radical in the unified field,
and for that, maybe I am destined to never be bonded into a pair,
or perhaps, it is an inevitable experience to find my pairing.
But not today.
Man, I have some real rage somewhere inside.
I was so psyched to try to get Human Anatomy out of the way this summer.
I'm glad I got to talk to lacombe on the phone tonight. It reminded me that sometimes, it's coming back to remembering a simple thing like "you still do have friends in this world", because everything else in reality, lately, has just made me feel like... "this is all? nothing else? why are we so un-advanced, boring, and producing drivel?" Just having a good laugh tonight, remembering days past, and knowing that some of those days might also be ahead... that was a real moralizer.
I have so much yet to do on my own.
malkavianmuse, by the way, I love you. I'm really glad that I've gotten to know you and that you came to the show with zigamorph. I don't know, but I think out of a lot of people I know, you two really are the few who not only have been that close to me (the closest friends I've made in the past 5 years in thie realm, maybe), but also might actually appreciate and/or understand what the dancing is all about. I really liked both of your authenticities when it comes to the arts. I felt like, all these 5 years, had led up to that performance evening. It wasn't a glorious improvisation, but it was true -- it was improvisation, right as I went along, with whatever came to mind to work out as the 'next' movement to do. I think, maybe, there's something behind it all, too -- you two are the few who have seen me in and out of my element -- performing at the club, in the parking lot, and on the stage now.
Anyways, I have spent tonight somewhat caffeinated, and thus manically bored -- nothing to do, and all the energy in the world to do it. And, conversely, when I wake up, there will be everything in the world to do, and no energy to do it. Yeah, I guess I always wake up a little lethargic. I'm still a cat at heart, somewhere inside.
And Magisa.
current music: Nobuo Uematsu - Joze Temple
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| Thursday, May 14th, 2009
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3:37 am - update/ today; dailyom/ detached assistance, although VERY attached
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Detached Assistance
Leo Daily Horoscope
May 13, 2009
Assisting others who require your help could make the things you do seem valuable today. It might be that your sense of self-worth is linked directly to the perception of others, particularly as it pertains to the things you do for them. While doing things for others can be positive, you might want to practice separating your feelings of self from the things you do. Should you receive thanks or praise from someone related to something you have completed today, you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are the same person you were before receiving the admiration of others. Keeping this in mind could help you detach from needing the approval of the people around you to nourish your sense of self and might make it easier to support others with honest intentions instead of hidden motives of self-gratification.
Learning to help others simply for the joy it brings makes our assistance pure and earnest. Needing to be needed can be a large part of our desire to help people for it makes us feel that without us someone else would have a difficult time getting by in life, which in turn bolsters our confidence in ourselves. When we act from our hearts and with the guidance of our spirits, however, we require nothing in return, since we are accessing the beauty of our souls and using that purity to help, which makes our assistance much more worthwhile. By helping without expecting anything today, you will serve others with the purest of intentions.
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Awakened to discover base story: officer has been by, building inspector is due by tomorrow. So much for warning.
Uncle Steve's gift from my mother, '84 Mustang with no keys was hauled away for *sniff* $300. He came down to part with it.
There is now room in front of the garage, so we can eventually knock down the concrete wall there (which was hindered prior).
Busted ass 90% of daylight hours, sustained effort at various hard, manly tasks which empower the body in the end.
Ached like sin, particularly the low back and neck, for various efforts. Took [short] warm shower, felt half better.
Feet still ached. Rested constructively. About to finish cleaning the living room space, should someone actually come inside.
I actually trust Peter on this, since he handled the officer, walking around the yard for about 45 minutes, so I heard.
Rev and I are booking it this morning upcoming, because we were supposed to finalize his senios thesis ... today.
Yard is gloriously leaf-free. Crap is sorted into categories, mostly. Major presentation points are to be awarded.
Six small contractor bags of trash were accrued. Many piles of leaves were hauled on a small 5-6 by 7-9 tarp.
Additional lighting design was furnished by Christmas Tree Shops, Ocean State Job Lot, and Home Depot (but I just got the 10 solar lights on discount for $9 AFTER I already dedicated the amber set of 8 to the side yard).
Back yard still needs mown. Side yard is okay, could be primped more. Heavy goods need official disposal methods. Branchery on top of compost could be assaulted strategically with a chainsaw. Back of garage still needs official wallery. Crap is stuffed into the garage to make space look ore presentable.
I am immensely proud of myself for my particular effort and devotion to the valuance of my home property.
Yes, it may need work, but the projects are already in place to be prepared. Now to get back to that, and get to bed.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Kitaro - Morning Prayer
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| Monday, May 4th, 2009
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12:25 am - meme/ 40 mature adult questions
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Jacked from chironcentaur, here's 40 questions for the people who are a little older...
( yes, it's safe for work )
This got me really thinking about what it means to be a 'mature adult'. I feel nostalgic, and I've been welling up.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: Adrian Holovaty - Super Mario Bros. 2 Gypsy Jazz OC ReMix
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| Friday, April 24th, 2009
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2:44 pm - update/ geocities is going down; are you coming to student choreo?
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Geocities is dying.
The first site upon which i founded a home page, and my smallest namesake for myself...
And the site which continues to host my little HTML tutorial (HTMLSite)...
Web home to countless people for more than the past decade (despite the simplicity of straight HTML being the prime focus)...
...will be closing later this year.
http://help.yahoo.com/l/us/yahoo/geocities/geocities-05.html
You remember those sites you once visited on Geocities in your web searches? Well, crawl them again before the site goes down for good. I have to go download some D&D fonts from one of those pages...
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MY FINAL PERFORMANCE OF "IMPROVISATION" IS TONIGHT AT 8 PM!!!
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| Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
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2:11 pm
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Oh, yeah, because zigamorph reminded me on Friday...
COME TO SEE STUDENT CHOREOGRAPHY!
THIS THURSDAY AND FRIDAY!!
(That's tomorrow!)
8 PM
Forman Theatre
Seating is limited. $14 non-RIC, $5 RIC students, seniors
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| Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
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2:35 am - muse/ free
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| Sunday, April 5th, 2009
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3:30 am - musing/ "nirvana is (and can be) any number of moments in time"
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Today, I saw a friend I had not seen in a while, and last night, he and I talked late. While taking a moment, I thought to myself "if I were to die here now, or check in with God and he were to ask me how I felt about my life, at this moment, I would tell him 'this is happiness, and I like this feeling, and I am happy' with my life -- for having the ability to simply enjoy moments like this afternoon with my friend".
In Zen, all moments die away from us, each moment ago, falling into the past, always in your own akashic experience, observed from this point of view. In that moment I thought that, that self died, and I felt reborn into a new moment when I remembered the value (unquantifiable) of having moments like this in my life, and knowing that I desired [wanted, wished] more of this feeling, this human connection, this kinsmanship, this casually beautiful level of human contact.
That God can only experience, understand, or feel these emotions through me, having this highly subjective experience, where I play 'connect the dots' with all points in my life, as I call it, "A Beautiful Mind: The Home Version" (or "the Home Game" or just "Live"). That, somehow, the divine yin which provides the stage of the world wants me to connect -something- or even -everything- together along the line of my lifetime, the creator of the Cosmos, who sets the stage in the dawning of my consciousness each day, and grants me the experience of drawing my lifebreath, the vedic/yogic prana.
[It also helps to believe in synchronicity, in terms of the experience of time as it would be described in quantum physics, based on light, sound, and life-breath.]
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The Heart Chakra
A seeker with mastery over the anahata centre has free access to both the visible and the invisible worlds. Time surrenders to him; space surrenders to him. If he uses this centre, he can travel to any part of the world in a few seconds in his subtle body.
[So, I think that the theory of the divine spark is not just absolutely possible, I think it comes to rest at the 'seat of the soul' where your consciousness that says 'me' or 'I' originates. That singularity within space and time can, in its tiniest crystallized (Saturnian) form, can reflect in its microcosm a distorted (as in a mirror) view of the macrocosm. This supports the theory that the holographic quality of the mind is not just a probability, but probably empowers the theory that isolating your singularity leads to the discover of your connection to the Cosmos and the Universe as a hologram, where the tiniest fragment can roughly reconstruct the entire hologram (with slightly less detail). This also supports the many beliefs of the world that through the heart, and through compassion gained through the connections understood by each individual, we all are meant to embrace our divinity within as both a scientific and logical (rational) understanding, but can only be grasped subjectively through our own intuitive, internal, emotional (irrational). Through blending dichotomies such as these together, and embracing both polarities as defining the spectrum, without needing to hold to an absolute position, thus experiencing relatve positioning in all ways, enabling us to form relationships between points in space (and time). Our embracing of our inherent divine spark requires us to acknowledge the value of the internal experience in its most mystical and profound senses, while also retaining the ability to bring 'something back of use' (usually a message) to the world at large.
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Throat Chakra
He who has mastery over vishuddha has the capacity to offer divine messages to the world. Universal nature discloses its agelong hidden mysteries to him. Here nature bows to the seeker. He can retain eternal youth. The outer world surrenders to him. The inner world embraces him. We get messages from various planes of consciousness. But when one gets a message from the vishuddha centre, the message is sublime and everlasting. When this centre is open, one receives direct messages from the Highest and becomes a mouthpiece for the Highest. One becomes a poet, a singer or an artist. All forms of art are expressed from this centre. This centre is open in many individuals. It functions according to the degree to which it is open, according to one's development. There is very little risk in this centre. It is a mild centre; it does not interfere with other centres and the other centres leave it alone.
[My experience points towards foreshadowings of karma, just by watching the swing of the pendulum across the point of Libra. When (the lesser) the subtle cardinally affects (the greater) the gross; when the subtle is muted beneath the mundane; or to the resting point of where yin and yang both are fixed in symbiotic balance (and embody each within the other).]
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In The Right Direction
Leo Daily Horoscope
You may feel you have much to teach the people with whom you share your environment today, yet you may be unsure as to how to go about imparting your knowledge and experience. If you attempt to promote your ideas and ideals through lectures, you may be surprised to find that others do not readily accept your gift of wisdom. To more effectively convince your peers of the value of the information you have to offer today, you will likely need to demonstrate its worth. You can accomplish this by taking your guidance to heart and integrating it into your own life so that others can see how quickly your life changes for the better.
We can help others lead lives of consciousness and excellence by simply leading our own lives according to the principles put forth by our individual ideals. Oftentimes, a direct approach will fail when our goal is to influence the people around us as they may regard the advice we offer with scorn or suspicion. We attract more positive attention when others are given a chance to see how well our choices serve us in the various areas of our existence. Their observations—whether conscious or unconscious—prompt them to ask us questions about our beliefs and opinions. When this comes to pass, we can expound upon the lessons we have already relayed by living in accordance with the personal philosophy we have developed over time. You can be as persuasive as you want to be today by doing nothing more than exemplifying your values.
[Apparently, I should quit lecturing... but in this case, my example of my 'giving' to the world is through my writing abilities... what I can speak, what I can say, how I can say it, and how it may be best received and understood... grokked, so to speak.]
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Word of the Day
Inscrutable (adjective)
Pronunciation: [in-'skrut-ê-bêl]
Definition: Unfathomable, incomprehensible, inexplicable, mysterious.
[Life's mysteries are, and always must be, unknowable in the absolute. Knowing God completely and absolutely is impossible for a mind which is not able to experience God in the absolute and complete sense, when the experience is limited and confined to a mortal frame, and the vibrations therein. Thus, inscrutable. This was just a beautiful coincidence (also known as a synchronicity, or a 'sync/synch up') which seems to confirm Isis behind the veil and the interconnectedness of seemingly unconnected points.]
current music: Nobuo Uematsu - The Phantom Forest
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| Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
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4:55 am - humor/ gmail's april fool
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Oh, man, you should see Gmail's April Fool's joke. It's friggin' hilarious.
Just log in and check out the new feature of the day. Also, learn more about CADIEand the other related links, like her technical specifications and her homepage, too! See also "blog comments".
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